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A friend of mine was hungover and wanted some painkillers. I said “Do you drink coffee?” Coffee can help with headaches because it’s a vasodilator (science for “Awesomesauce”). He said “I don’t do drugs.” Hilarious. Well played. His headache went untreated. If he had ingested some caffeine, it could have been processed by his liver into theobromine which dilates blood vessels. Hold on, brain! Oxygen is on the way!
Some caffeine will also get metabolised to theophylline – a compound that relaxes smooth muscles of the bronchi and is used to treat asthma. I know this because a Quantum Leap episode used it as a plot resolution.
But seriously, if people consider caffeine a drug, I’d have to ask them what their definition of a drug is. Caffeine occurs naturally in plants. It’s not like a dude in a white coat sat there and manipulated molecules. If you lived south of Texas, you might have consumed caffeine from cacao or coffee beans. You might have said “Wow, this shit makes me feel like a golden bitching god.” What’s the big deal? Are we going to say vitamin C is a drug because it’s a chemical that occurs in food? It’s not like Viagra – I don’t think that shit occurs naturally in foods – but if it were to occur naturally in foods, I would think it should occur in something phallic-shaped – like a banana or cucumber. Just like eating melons should have something that produces larger breasts. Is oxygen a drug? If it is, then consider me an addict. I can’t live without that stuff!
Caffeine might seem a little dangerous because it’s a defense mechanism for some plants. Insects eat the plant equipped with caffeine-containing leaves and the insects die. Oh man – it’s bug poison? You can’t consume bug poison!
You may as well call sugar a drug. It has the same ability to make you feel f#$king awesome for 2 hours. Ask any two year old at Chuck E. Cheese’s. Energy drinks have caffeine, but mostly it’s a sugar bomb of epic proportions. Liquid punch in the brain. I think sugar gets metabolised by the liver into WWE Midi-chlorians. After I had a huge dose of sugar as a kid I would have fantasy-wrestling tournaments on my family’s sofa. I would do up tournament trees and wrestle a pillow as an opponent and switch between ‘characters’ to produce a dramatic battle. That pillow took a tremendous amount of abuse. I can’t count the number of times I Zangief-360-pile-driver’d that fluffy sleep aid.
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